146 Questions with Adebayo Akinfenwa

In which we debut a new profile series set to take the magazine industry by storm. 

We took one look at Vogue’s profile series, ‘73 Questions’, and thought: wow, this is exactly 50% as good as it could be. So, we decided to launch our own iconic profile series: 146 Questions. Our other thought was that those profiles go on a bit, so we decided we’d give our star exactly 146 seconds in which to answer them. Given the star power that our friends at Condé Nast can wield, we knew we had to think big. Who’s the biggest celebrity we could fit into our pages? How big could we go? Who’s the biggest of the big? And who’s bigger than them?

Step forward, Adebayo Akinfenwa – the Beast; six-foot-one, 16 stone, the strongest and most charismatic man in professional football. In the wake of his retirement after 22 years in the game, and on the heels of his Amazon Prime biography, Beast Mode On, Akinfenwa was kind enough to spend just under two-and-a-half minutes of his time attempting to answer all 146 of our questions.

Below are the ones he answered and, in the interests of journalistic integrity, a full list of those which – due to time constraints – he could not.

1. What is your favourite day of the week? Saturday.

2. What is your least favourite day of the week? Sunday. No, that’s a lie! I like Sunday. Least favourite day of
the week is Tuesday.

3. What car did your dad last own? Snap. Oh God. I bought it for him as well. I think it’s a Toyota, I’m gonna get that wrong, but let’s say Toyota.

4. To the best of your knowledge, who killed JFK? Ninjas.

5. Which of The Beatles could you beat in a fight? Which of the Beatles? All of them! TOGETHER.

6. Do you like Formula One? Erm. Yeah.

7. Should the public accept Camilla as its Queen? Oooooh. Er, no.

8. Do you like to google people you were at school with and see what they’re up to now? No, because I’m very bad with names.

9. Have you ever had a near death experience? Yes. I jumped off a cliff into water and the way I hit the water, thought I was gonna die. I felt like I was underwater for an hour, but it was actually only four seconds.

10. Are you scared of spiders? Yes.

11. Have you ever seen a ghost? Yes.

12. Is tapas a con? Yes.

and everything we didn’t ask

How much money do you have in your wallet?

What’s the worst question you have ever been asked?

How tall is too tall?

What was the last play you saw?

Who is the current President of the United States?

What is today’s date?

Who is your favourite criminal?

Did you see the latest Top Gun?

What do you think about inflation?

Breakfast: where do you stand?

What’s the worst advice you’ve ever given?

What condiment could you live without?

Where do you see yourself in five days’ time?

How do you take your coffee?

Where do you bank?

What is your account number?

What is your sort code?

What is your IBAN/SWIFT number (if applicable)?

What is your mother’s maiden name?

Have you ever been on a podcast?

Would you ever start a podcast?

Should anything be punishable by death?

Lunch: where do you stand?

Would you rather be a plane or a train?

Who was the fifth of Henry VIII’s wives?

When was the last time you threw up?

Would you ever enter witness protection?

How would you personally solve the current crisis in Ukraine?

What did you get for your tenth birthday?

If you could press one button and destroy the Eiffel Tower without causing any deaths, would you press it?

Would you stand trial in France for having destroyed the Eiffel Tower?

Would you serve jail time in France if convicted or would you look to be extradited?

In prison, would you tell other inmates what you were in for, or make up another crime to fit in?

Again in prison, would you rather join a prison gang or ‘keep to yourself’?

Again in prison, would you allow yourself to be extorted or would you stand up for yourself?

Again in prison, after standing up for yourself and succeeding, would you ask to be transferred to a different wing of the prison or, instead, would you look to solidify your status as a formidable prisoner?

Again in prison, after establishing yourself as a formidable prisoner, you notice a new and inexperienced inmate l trying to find his feet on the wing. Would you treat him kindly, or extort him to demonstrate that you’re not a soft touch?

What personality traits do you share with your relatives?

Would you rather be blind for two weeks or deaf for four weeks?

Do you believe in astrology?

Do you believe in astronomy?

Do you believe in life after love?

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever eaten?

What’s the best thing you’ve ever stolen?

What’s your preferred method of tying your shoelaces?

When was the last time you did any gardening?

What was Hitler’s greatest tactical error in the Second World War?

Who’s your favourite Bond?

Who’s your favourite Pope?

When considering all Bonds and Popes together, who’s your best bet for someone who would succeed if handed both roles simultaneously?

What is your favourite part of the Bible?

What would you do if you had unlimited money, power and influence?

Dinner: where do you stand?

Do you have any fond memories of the circus?

Should Louis CK still be allowed to do stand-up comedy?

Would you support the rise of charismatic vigilante protecting the city streets, or would you condemn their disregard for due process and the presumption of innocence?

What’s your favourite Woody Allen film?

Len Deighton: is he still alive?

Do you think Prince William has ever taken ecstasy?

Are you scared of wasps?

What’s the spiciest curry you’ve ever had?

What percentage of the world’s children are conceived in the missionary position? Rough percentage number please.

Do you think men over the age of 50 should be allowed to wear trainers?

Do you secretly welcome this current era of American decline?

Rupert Murdoch: do you sometimes think ‘Shit, you’ve got to hand it to the guy, 91 years old and he’s still “got it”?’

Who would win in a fight between Liam Gallagher and Noel Gallagher? They are both armed with a thick wooden club.

Are you worried about China’s military?

Do you like Chinese food?

What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed up?

How many swans could you kill with your bare hands?

Are you heartened by the long-­standing decline of religion in Britain?

Are you heartened by the more recent decline of atheism in Britain?

Who was your first kiss?

Who’s the sexiest man you’ve ever seen?

Do you think there’s any chance of unilateral global action on climate change?

Champagne: a little bit overrated? 

Would you like to be able to have the power of flight, or do you think it would be a tad dangerous?

Going to the cinema by yourself – a grown-up pursuit or not?

How much time can you spend in an art gallery before you get bored?

Isn’t eloping for marriage a bit rude to your extended family?

If you went bald, would you get a hair transplant or just let nature take its course?

Do you regard the return of vinyl as a heartening throwback or a twee exercise in nostalgia-enthused marketing?

How hot is too hot when you’re on holiday?

If you were compelled to give a comprehensive answer, could you give a compelling précis of how mobile phone technology works?

What’s the whole deal with Russell Brand?

How much should a pack of cigarettes cost?

What’s the capital of Kazakhstan?

How many children is too many children if money is no object?

What’s the ugliest part of the human body? You can’t give ‘feet’ as an answer.

Would you like to fire a rocket launcher?(Not at a human)

Have you ever hummed the Match of the Day theme tune as you remove woman’s bra?

Are all men pigs?

Would you like to have met Hitler? Not for a social visit per se, just as an anthropological exercise?

Have you ever met someone who describes themselves as ‘woke’?

You’re Louis XVI. It’s Paris, 1788. What’s the first thing you do?

Do you think Hunter S. Thompson was a bit of a try-hard?

How come TV ads for products like Chicken Tonight and Sunny Delight were ubiquitous some years ago, but have now stopped even though said products are still commercially available?

When do you think was the last time Mick Jagger took a bus?

Coats, umbrellas and good shoes are easily had, so even quite heavy rain is fine, isn’t it?

Oasis or Blur?

Should inherited wealth be abolished?

Isn’t it high time America just took on the metric system?

Have you ever bought one of those big, expensive magazines you only see in hairdressers?

Do you think Bill Nighy wears tracksuits at home?

Was Pete Townshend’s explanation over the whole ‘accessing child porn to research his book’ thing satisfactory?

Factoring in fame, age, quality, etc., how much do you think you’d get, in pounds, if you sold all your organs?

Do you talk in your sleep?

Do you think you’d trust yourself to intervene in a mugging?

One letter of the standard English alphabet has to go right now… which one?

How do you extinguish an oil fire?

What’s the boiling point of water in degrees Fahrenheit?

Does the presence of super-priced inflatables ruin the otherwise charming, low-stakes verisimilitude of Supermarket Sweep?

What is the best cream?

What do you think is the neural process behind déjà vu?

Given their intelligence and capacity for affection, should pigs be normalised as household pets?

To the nearest 10p, how much is a litre of milk?

What’s the best religion?

How many times in your life do you think you’ve shaved?

Do you think you’ll live to see a human being on Mars?

Doesn’t Mickey Mouse’s presence as Disney mascot vastly overstate his worth and popularity as a character?

Do you think bees are friends with each other, or is it just strictly business?

Given his prolificity, and all-time earning records, is it not weird that Samuel L. Jackson has had so few roles as a leading man?

Following an initial culture shock, a time traveller from 1800 would probably be fine in 2022 after a few months, wouldn’t they?

Name two Van Morrison songs.

Why is the Independent’s website
so shit?

Do you remember ever having used a protractor?

Wild swimming: where do you stand?

Have you ever seen a cockroach?

How do clouds (meteorological) work?

How do clouds (computing) work?

Is it interesting that the price of cocaine has remained stable for 20 years? 

How many episodes of EastEnders do you reckon you’ve watched in your entire life?

Given time, do you think ants could be taught to sort tiny screws in space?

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