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Shit Literary Siblings

Shit Literary Siblings

With tales of forgotten literary siblings now in vogue (think books based around clunky tween-insert Enola Holmes or tedious commonplace book owner, Mary Bennet), we are pleased to introduce you to other forgotten and frankly forgettable blood relations of the canon.

Euston Bear

Peruvian caniform delivered to a less desirable London station. Now lives off Burger King wrapper sandwiches after his adoption by a group of kindly heroin addicts.

The Honourable Jeremy Dracula

Younger brother of the Count. Vegetarian – though would be vegan, if only he could resist sinking his fangs into a nice bit of halloumi. Local councillor for the Transylvania Lib Dems.

Hubert Humbert

Scout leader and community activist who finds that his DBS checks take much longer than they really should.

Edna Baggins

Agoraphobic female Hobbit. Reliant on second breakfasts delivered by Uber Eats.

Walter Wonka

A Kettering dentist with a phobia of dwarves.

The Inept Mr Ripley

Credulous and bungling American holidaymaker serving a lengthy prison term for accidentally shoplifting a novelty fridge magnet from a kiosk at an Italian seaside resort.

Gary Potter

Unremarkable 11-year-old boy referred to counselling services after butchering an owl with a penknife.

The Much Younger Brother Karamazov

Not as obsessed with discussing God, free will, or the unspeakable cruelties of life, Dermot Karamazov had a passion for Warhammer, building kit cars, and currently works as assistant manager of the Bromley branch of Halfords.

Mr Zhivago

‘Yes please little bro, do tell us all again about those six years in the Russian National Medical School for the Enigmatic but Handsome.’

Iphicle Poirot

A shy Belgian socialite, Iphicle was barred from most of polite society when it was revealed he had been murdering dinner guests and train passengers due to his social awkwardness. Announcing the murders to shocked attendees allowed him to deflect blame from himself, and allowed him to quickly escape before any small talk was attempted.

Gerry Poppins

Registered sex offender. Killed in an attempt to escape from Holloway Prison by jumping from the walls holding what he believed to be a talking umbrella.

Todd Gatsby

MAGA enthusiast and PornHub premium account holder. Owns an automobile dealership in Willingston, North Dakota.

Deirdre Bloom

A Ranelagh housewife who has never knowingly courted an orgasm. Mostly folds linens.

Hugo Wooster

Currently berating his housemates for not cleaning the oven, after a long day manning the desk at Foxtons in Clapham High Street.

Wayne Jeeves

Slovenly commune resident and radical activist. Occasional nudist.

Uncle Tim

Civil rights activist currently conducting Zoom masterclasses in peaceful protest from his solar-powered office at the bottom of the garden.

Q. Alfred Prufrock

Former corporate accountant who upped sticks one day to go live on the Mexican coast. A man in love, he splits his time between his family and the crisp Pacific surf. Often wonders what he could have done to deserve all this happiness.

Peppi Longstocking

Hard bitten and cynical Scandi child-detective investigating a series of horrific Moomin disembowelments.

Sir Julian Falstaff

Thin and nervous male nanny. A teetotaller, he spends his free time tending his garden with his devoted ‘life partner’, Mr Eric Quickly.

Claudia Dalloway

Operates a loss-making interior design company on the Lots Road. Currently banned from both her daughters’ Instagram accounts for commenting under every single photo.

The Cat in the Cone

Sickly, mute, drama-averse feline.

The Unhappy Prince

Flinty-hearted, handsy old fart currently evading extradition to America. Family aren’t speaking to him.

Anderson Crusoe

Chronically cautious traveller, much taken with uneventful caravan holidays and midlands canal breaks.

Entirely Adequate Mr Fox

A perfectly fine woodland mammal, said by all to be highly capable of getting the job done. Not big on challenging farmers or commanding other creatures with charm and panache, more into sniffing round bins and picnic areas, that sort of thing.

Donna Quixote

Quiet and calm owner of a moderately successful La Mancha nail and beauty parlour.

Eleazar Scrooge

Conscientious and public minded Victorian employer and philanthropist who, after a series of supernatural encounters, becomes an enthusiast for the repeal of child labour legislation and the banning of trade unions.

Paul Pan

43-year-old tribal house DJ, bereft at the prospect of another festival-free summer. Currently living in a barge and holding ‘Lockdown Raves’ on Zoom for the idle west London elite.

Moby Fanny

Sensible, no-nonsense female whale who has raised several pods of young across the Pacific basin without once getting involved in any nonsense with a psychotic amputee.

Sherlock Holmes

Smartarse heroin addict and parasitical bore, doomed by jealousy of his accomplished intelligence officer brother Mycroft. Dawdling in obscurity, he spent much of his life exploiting the bereavements of provincial gentry and bothering metropolitan detectives with sad-sack theories and inane conjecture. Mediocre violinist.


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